I was so sorry to hear about your split with Miley. I suppose we should have guessed it was coming, considering some of her Mother's Daughter lyrics, but it was a shock nonetheless. It might seem like true love is a lie, but I want you to remember that I'm here - and I'm single.
Perhaps you're wondering why I, a Magic FM announcer, would be the perfect match for you right now. The answer is simple: I am the furthest thing possible from Miley Cyrus. I have never had a number one hit single called Wrecking Ball, I've never appeared on the Disney Channel, and my father is not the bloke who collab'd on Ol' Town Road. Truth be told, we are both super hot, but that's where the similarities end.
Furthermore, I love you for who you are, not because of your Hollywood resume. Rest assured, I haven't even been able to sit through one of your movies except for The Expendables 2, and you die pretty early in that so it doesn't count.
Liam, you may be the second best Hemsworth, but you are number one in my heart for as long as Chris remains a married man (p.s. what's he like?)
Please, take my hand in marriage. I promise to love you every day of our highly profitable marriage. All I ask in return is that you let me take off my glasses every now and then and squint so I can pretend you're Chris.
The team at Magic FM.